Hand to Hand with the Morrigan
For the past few months I’ve been trying to appease the Morrigan. Last night I didn’t. I stood at the altar and told Her that unless She was prepared to treat me like…I don’t know. An equal seems like the wrong term. She is a goddess, after all, and in that sense we will never be truly equal. Maybe a valued and cared for warrior, or servant. Something that requires equitable treatment from Her. Sometimes when I finally lash out and fight Her, it makes Her happy and She dances away while laughing. Not this time. She transformed in to pure shadow, an endless void pool full of faint threats and malevolence. I told Her I didn’t care, that She could split my soul from my body, that She could kill me and scatter my spirit to the winds if that is what She wanted. I can’t really stop Her, save being perhaps protected by Nephthys should things deteriorate to that point. But that even so, I would never be Her thrall, or Her food and drink to consume and suck dry. Never.
And I stand by that. I know that many people have different feelings about the gods and their roles with those gods, and I am not disputing that these other ways may work for people who aren’t me. I believe that some people are legitimately god slaves. But while I might willingly submit I will never be enslaved against my desires. I did not start worshiping the gods only to get pulled in to cosmic abusive relationships and it shocks me how many people I encounter that seem to feel that absorbing abuse is a required part of working with deity. Everyone’s limits are different, yes. These are mine. Even the Morrigan–who I have never officially oathed myself to, for reasons just such as this–must respect them, or destroy me/release me from Her service.
And that’s the real rub. I don’t want our relationship to be over. She has been with me since I was a teenager. Always She has guided and taught me and even protected me in the past. Maybe it’s already over and I don’t want to admit it. Maybe it isn’t, but we have to find a new way of working together and that process isn’t through the painful stages yet. I don’t know. As I delve more in to Irish indigenous thought and spirituality maybe new connections with the pantheon will assert themselves. See, I am a very single deity type person and I don’t tend to branch out much beyond those deities, but maybe I need someone else’s influence to temper the Morrigan’s presence. Then again, maybe this is all a test to see if I will stick to my boundaries and fight even Her for them. She has done such things before. Because if there is one thing I know about Her, it is that She wants warriors. That doesn’t have to be literal skill with a sword and shield, but it does mean a willingness to fight when it’s needed.
And I will fight, even against Her. If nothing else, She should appreciate the warrior’s spirit She helped forge.