Gods are people too
Recently, I did something I knew I wasn’t supposed to do and Nephthys stopped talking to me for two straight days.
It was devastating.
But like most things with Her lately I learned a number of important things and I thought I would share them with you.
Now, this was a thing I’d been receiving clear no signals on and I did it anyway for my own selfish reasons. Nephthys is present most of the time with me and at any given moment I can reach out and touch Her. She also tends to come across as an endless font of love and joy, so to suddenly have a barren metaphysical field where She would normally be made me spiral out of control somewhat. I begged. I pleaded. I raged. I hoped the other Netjeru would intervene. Something.
Nothing. For two days and nights, nothing.
The revelations that came during this time:
1). Relationship with deity is just that, a relationship. My mundane relationships have been a very mixed bag, including some downright abusive situations and situations where I was taken advantage of. A relationship with a god absolutely WILL bring up all of your baggage in this regard, plus any baggage about submitting to authority figures. This certainly factored in to my desire to ignore Her requests. Deities are not perfect and they don’t always have your best interests at heart, either. I think Nephthys DOES, however, but it’s still a situation where I want to be absolutely sure about what I might be agreeing to or getting in to. This sounds reasonable but sometimes I can be so cautious it becomes a detriment and hurts my connection with Her.
2). I have trouble letting go and just accepting that this is real. I worry that if I give in to restrictions in particular, other people around me will start to conflate those things with my mental disorders, for one thing, which could have serious consequences. I also do not live in a community of faith and I don’t have many people close to me who believe. I have one of those friend groups that posts Carl Sagan quotes on facebook all day. That sort of shit. So especially things I feel I shouldn’t do because deity asked me not to make me feel weird. Not because I really rebel against restrictions themselves, but because I worry about losing some kind of discernment or reasoning ability if I let myself get too deep in to this.
3). The Morrigan, who I have had what I might term a life long relationship with, doesn’t really care to put restrictions on my behavior as such.. She is a VERY different creature from Nephthys in some fundamental ways and I don’t think anything with Her exactly prepared me for the situation I am detailing in this post. The Morrigan asks only that I do Her work, and since I have devoted years to going after the goals She inspired in me, maybe it’s harder for Her to get too put out!
Day three, Nephthys turned back up as if nothing had happened, in that She was the same joyful spirit She usually is. And She told me that part of the lesson was that just as much as I am falling in love with Her, just as much as I have a relationship with Her, She has feelings and hopes and dreams for me and our partnership. I protested–how could a god be so human and vulnerable?–but this is the ultimate take away from the experience. I get the same feeling from Osiris sometimes, the joy of a new relationship where all the possibilities are still laid out before you. In short, I disappointed Her, and it was hard for Her to take at this particular time, when she has so much hope and affection for me and what I might do for Her.
Once, the Ancient Egyptian religion was one of the most successful, intricate, and practiced religions in, if not the world, at least surely in that region. Things have downgraded quite a bit since then, and I believe the gods need devotees in order to keep acting in the world. When they find one of us now, it’s an important occasion. No longer can They rely on thousands upon thousands of followers, all bearing gifts and singing praise songs. We’re all they’ve got. When we disappoint Them it can hurt Them as much as it hurts us.
So what’s the moral of the story? Gods are people too? Heh, I guess that’s not such a bad summation.