M is for Mourning, Revelations
Every time I go to the altar lately, before I even get “Dua Nephthys” out of my mouth, I get slapped with a revelation. Usually not a comfortable revelation.
These have included:
1). Resisting gender transition is not living in Ma’at
2). I have never mourned the normal life I could have had, and I need to
3). I miss my father terribly even though he is an abusive narcissist
4). My best friend’s death is still felt almost ten years later
Right? So not fun. But necessary. The problem is, I don’t really know how to go about dealing with any of these things. I don’t think I even know what mourning truly is. Of course it’s no surprise that Nephthys wants some real mourning out of me, giving who She is. But I think that I, like many people with extra challenges, have mostly dealt with life by pushing forward hard and fighting every step of the way. The issue becomes that mourning requires me to stop and sit down. If I do that, or so I have convinced myself, I might just lie down and die.
Fighting constantly is how I’ve achieved everything in my life. College degrees, meaningful relationships, a place to live, everything. I can’t even conceive of how I managed all that, other than I made the choice to try and live and stuck with it. I’m like a shark, in that I have to keep moving to survive. But now I have to face giving that up and actually doing some work on the things I missed out on in life. The resentment over the hand I’ve been dealt. The anger over all the missteps and the callousness and what could have been.
It’s not as simple as just allowing myself to cry or something of that nature. Crying has never felt particularly good to me (if you’re mentally ill, it often doesn’t), though I cried over the loss of my friend the other night when that came up. It’s not as simple as staving off the sorrow with food or video games. All I can do is ask Her to guide me because this isn’t a skill I’ve ever cultivated before.
Oh, a quick note about the honoring the victims of violent crime thing. I did go out and find the first grave. I would have told you guys about it before, but I get the impression that Osiris isn’t ready for me to talk about the whole thing yet. Stay tuned because I’m hoping I’ll get permission to share eventually.